Lessons Learned
Here's what I found
Author | Motivational Speaker | Shoe Lover
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The Self-Respect Revolution FZE LLC
Business Centre, Sharjah Publishing City Free Zone, Sharjah, United Arab Emirates
© 2012 onwards.The Self-Respect Revolution FZE LLC. All Rights Reserved.
I’m a keynote speaker, media commentator, mother to two fur babies and helpless shoe addict. I believe I’m the best person to talk about self-respect, because I know exactly what it’s like to live a life without it.
Here's a little bit about my story...
Whether I was an acne-faced teenager, an undergrad with no direction, a woman lonely and desperate for love or an inauthentic CEO, my fear of judgement fueled the facade of a smiling, successful and super-fit scholarship-winner who ‘had it all’. I was a really great actress...
It was exhausting.
My obsession with being liked paralyzed me. I became a chameleon not only to fit in with a ‘popular group’, but to become the person who got the most attention and love. Because no-one cares about second place, right?
It was an enviable, but fake life.
By 15, I had already begun searching for anything that could numb my deep self-consciousness. What felt like confidence was really a fragile façade, one that left me vulnerable to people who didn’t have my best interests at heart. As that false sense of security faded, so did my self-worth, and I found myself stuck in that cycle for 17 years.
I was addicted to toxicity.
I followed my dream of being a restaurateur until a nightmare quarter million dollar bankruptcy at only 23. Rather than recognising the difficulty of what I tried to accomplish, with no prior industry knowledge, I diminished my own achievements whilst comparing myself to the success of strangers.
I was humiliated by my business failure.
My only sense of control came from rigid diets and extreme exercisem my self-worth tied to every calorie I could erase. That control collapsed the moment I broke one of my own food rules, and what started as a single bite spiralled into hours of overeating. It marked the beginning of a decade-long struggle with disordered eating that ultimately brought me to a point of profound hopelessness.
I was trapped in my own personal hell.
Despite the praise I received for my postgraduate degrees, I would trade them back for the seven difficult years it took to earn them. I had chosen that path for the wrong reasons, drawn in by a professor whose influence blurred personal and professional boundaries. As a result, my achievements felt hollow, and I leaned on my ‘Dr’ title as a fragile source of worth. For more than 15 years, I blamed myself, unaware that he had misused his authority and manipulated my trust.
I thought my dark secret would haunt me forever.
For 10 years post PhD, I tried to become a sought-after “thought-leader”; going from a fitness guru, to body-image coach, to mindset mentor to confidence expert.
But it never worked. A guise of success hid the reality that my brand never gained traction. I gave everything up to become a CEO for a global company, even though this decision led to the breakdown of my relationship.
My life was smoke and mirrors. Eventually I quit everything, and became a champion of my own misery for months. I was existing, not living.
I felt like I would never amount to anything.
I found myself using ‘comfortable’ explanations for why I had quit. “I lost passion”, “I outgrew the brand”; statements that protected my ego when explaining my choices to friends, family and co-workers.
But secretly I asked myself: Maybe I had lost confidence? I had preached its benefits for so long that I naturally thought it would help me find a new direction. My gut told me otherwise. I had felt this pain before and knew the antidote could only be found in a place where self-judgement didn’t exist. I realised my ‘failure’ wasn’t because I didn’t work hard or wasn’t able. It was because I was back to my old patterns, caring about other people’s opinions more than my own.
I had become a “confidence expert” only because “professionals” told me that this was the pathway towards success. I led myself to believe that what I had to say and had no value and would never be accepted or understood by others. And without their acceptance, I was nothing.
I was abusing the gift of being on earth.
I turned to my dad, my guiding light, who reminded me of an important quote from Hamlet he had taught me decades prior:
To thine own self be true.
But to be true to oneself, first, we have to respect ourselves without the help of others.
When I think back to people I worked with; hundreds of conversations with clients, audience members and workshop participants, the solution to suffering was never, ever about their confidence, it was about being proud of who they are despite their suffering or lack of confidence.
And I was no exception:
the lowest points of my life always corresponded to times when I lacked self-respect.
I became obsessed with self-respect, like an elephant diving into a cup – consumed and focused, researching and exploring everything I could find.
How does self-respect shape who we are, the decisions we make and the lives we live as leaders, best friends, mentors, parents and entrepreneurs?
When you respect yourself, external validation is always welcomed, but isn’t a requirement to feel loved and of value.
The quickest way to lose respect for yourself is by living inauthentically through the perceived or actual expectations of others.
Respecting yourself does not depend on what’s happened in the past. It’s simply a choice.
The truth is fame, fortune, likes and followers feel good and will boost your self-esteem. But without self-respect, this praise will be void and empty of meaning.
By choosing to honour your own needs and desires, you can break free from the limitations of external validation and live authentically.
Respect yourself, don't stand in your way,
For a life of purpose and progress each day.
Hold your head high, stay proud and true,
And you'll find strength in all you do.
Dr K xoxo
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